


Once Again, With Feeling..

by DarrkeThoughts



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Gen, Time Travel Fix-It
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-10
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-03-16 11:56:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13635810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarrkeThoughts/pseuds/DarrkeThoughts
Summary: I would like to say this is a time-travel fix-it story, but when Cersei finds herself thrown into her younger self at the moment of her death “it” is not the long night, “it” has much more to do with revenge.





	1. Transition

Cersei felt her twin's hands, one warm flesh and the other cold gold close around her throat. How could this could not be? Tyrion was the volonquar. She had always known that Tyrion was her volonquar.

The last thing she thought before the world went dark was that she had come into the world first, and her twin was also a little brother.

_That evil witch!_

+++

Cersei found herself in a pool of warm water. There was a small hand exploring between her legs and her own hand held a small cock. It was him. It was the volanquar. He was pretending to love her. All these years, all those years. Cersei looked down at herself to see a child's body, a body that mirrored her little brother.

She growled and twisted the cock. “Get away from me,” she yelled, dropping the cock and kicking out at her brother in their bath.

She looked at the confusion in his face. That must be what she had looked like when she died. When she died by his hand, his hand and his golden stump.

“But I thought you wanted to...” he tried to excuse himself.

Cersei remembered this day. This was they day her mother's handmaid had caught them at their play. Was this what happened when you died? She was pretty sure she had died, and this awful little boy had been the reason. She would not give him the chance to kill her again.

“I don't care whose idea it was. Do you know what mother will do if she catches us like this? You never think with anything but that pathetic little cock. Get out!”

Cersei climbed out of the tub as fast as she could. This child's body felt awkward when she tried to move and she tripped over the side of the tub, landing on her face.

“You said she would never know,” the other child was complaining, still in the tub.

“Oh, she will find out. Unless you leave, right now.” Cersei picked herself up and wrapped herself in a robe. She heard noises from the hallway outside.

The frightened boy practically jumped out of the tub and raced for the door.

“Not like that, you idiot, get your clothes on first!”

There was a rattling at the door. Cersei grabbed Jaime's clothes and shoved them into his hands and pushed him toward the linen closet.

“Get in there, now,” she hissed, “and be silent.”

The door opened just as she turned from the closet, holding a towel.

“I would have helped you with that, my lady,” the handmaid said.

“You are too slow. The water got cold.” Cersei said, looking at the handmaid with disdain. “Next time be faster. Where are my clothes? Not those dirty old things, I want something clean and new. Go get me some now. And hurry, before I tell my mother.”

The flustered handmaid left the room in a hurry and Cersei smiled.

She remembered this day. They had been playing together in the bath when her mother's handmaid had found them together. Her mother was pregnant with Tyrion at the time.

This felt like that day. She turned and opened the closet to release her little volonquar. A day would come when she would get her revenge. But not today.

“Hurry!” she hissed at Jaime, who was hopping on one foot trying to get his pants on. “Go on, get out before anyone sees you.

Her aunt Genna told her once that it was the shock of seeing her and Jaime together that killed her mother, not birthing Tyrion. That was probably a lie.

Cersei was not willing to bet her mother's life on it though. If the god's saw fit to let people relive their lives after death, then she would not waste her life making the same mistakes as before.

She could wait to take revenge on Jaime until after Tyrion was born and see if she could change her mother's fate first.

 


	2. Dawning Reality

Cersei lay in her bed watching the shadows around her as they grew light and then began to take on color as the dawn progressed.

Her first thought was that this was all a dream, but running her hands down her flat-chested torso had convinced her that she was truly seven years old again. The sheer boredom of watching the sunrise was much more in keeping with real life than a dream as well.

Of all the things she had hoped and feared for death, this was not one of them.

Her brother had killed her. Her other half. Her true love. Her volonquar.

And then she found herself reliving one of her earliest memories of him. Did everyone die and find themselves back in their former life at some point. Had her father? When would he appear then? The first time Tyrion walked in on him in the privy? Had Tyrion ever done that as a child? And what about her mother? If her mother died giving birth to Tyrion, when would she come back? When he was conceived?

Could they remember? Could they change things?

If she was her father she'd throw the twisted dwarf to the waves the moment he was born. And if she was her mother she would kick her husband out of her bed once and for all. The little monster would never be born.

When would Jaime come back? He would know what he had done, of course, but how would he die. What kind of strange magic could take him back in time. Who would kill him?

She vowed she would kill him herself before he ever had a chance to leap into his former life. Her volonquar. Not her twisted little brother, her twin. Her other half who came into the world holding onto her heel. All her life she had hated and feared Tyrion and it had been Jaime in the end with his hands around her throat.

She would get her revenge somehow. He would not have the chance to kill her again, not in this lifetime.

Perhaps she should get her father to send him to foster at Riverrun. There was a time, before he joined the kingsguard that he was almost betrothed to that mad fish, Lysa Tully. All she would have to do is... nothing. It was all her, persuading the king to name her brother to the kingsguard had been her idea. A way to keep him close to her.

Now she wanted him as far away as possible.

Winterfell. That might be even better. He could marry that Stark bitch Rhaegar kidnapped. She could get rid of her brother, prevent a war, and console the prince when his weak little Dornish wife died in childbirth. She could be a dragon queen.

Cersei smiled at the image of herself beside Rhaegar.

But why wait for Elia to die? Could she change things enough for the Mad King to allow the betrothal her father had wanted for her in the first place?

Cersei continued to mull over the possibilities until her maid came to wake her up for breakfast.

 


	3. Breakfast Surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a minor edit to the last chapter and took out the reference to a very pregnant Joanna. Cersei remembers her mother being pregnant, but does not see her until this morning's chapter.

Cersei dropped her fork when Lady Joanna Lannister walked into the room. Eggs spattered all over the table and down the front of her dress.

Her mother was alive. She was beautiful, golden Lannister curls cascaded over her shoulders and down her back. She smiled at Cersei. “Is everything alright, darling?”

Her mother wore an emerald green dressing gown, half open to expose a golden night dress.

Her belly was perfectly flat.

Cersei smiled weakly at her mother, “I'm fine, mother. Jaime just put a spider in my eggs. It startled me.”

“I did not!” Jaime shouted, glaring at her.

“You need to be nice to your sister, Jaime. You should not play pranks with her food.”

Cersei did her best to smile sweetly at Jaime. She was glad her mother believed her lie. The little brat deserved to be punished, even if she couldn't tell her mother exactly why.

“I didn't do it,” Jaime pouted. He slammed down his own fork and pushed his plate away. “Can I be excused?”

“Of course. Your father was hoping to watch you train today.”

Cersei watched her brother leave. She used to trade places with him sometimes, dressing in his clothes while he dressed in hers. She would miss those training sessions, but she had to keep him as far away from her as possible.

Lady Joanna seated herself at the table and the maester brought her a cup of tea. “Just as you requested, my Lady.”

“Thank you, that's all,” she dismissed him, lifting the cup to her lips.

That seemed strange. Cersei looked at her mother again. _I wonder what kind of tea my mother needs the maester to serve her._ If it had been any other woman, Cersei would have suspected moon tea immediately. Maybe it was something to help her with the pregnancy. Not that there was any sign she was pregnant. Had she misremembered when she and her brother had been caught together?

“I'm glad to have a chance to talk with you alone, Cersei,” her mother said, sipping her tea. “You really should not tell stories about your brother though. Family is important, remember that.”

“It wasn't...” Cersei started to say, but her mother stopped her with a gesture.

“Don't lie to me Cersei. Mothers always know when their children are lying. Your father returned from King's Landing last night. We will be traveling with him when he returns.”

“Why mother?” Cersei tried to remember when they went to King's Landing. Her mother preferred to stay at Casterly Rock, but she seemed to remember at least one trip when she was very young.

“King Aerys was crowned ten years ago, there is going to be a tourney to celebrate the success of his rule.”

Cersei snorted. She didn't mean to, but King Aerys was a bigger failure at being king than her husband Robert had been. And Robert had been a terrible king.

“Cersei Lannister! What has gotten into you today?”

“It's Jaime's fault.” Cersei said.

“Jaime? Jaime put a spider in your food and now you think you can make unlady-like noises at the breakfast table? You think that you can insult our king? Or are you disrespecting your father, who is hand of the king?”

Cersei frowned. All her memories of Joanna Lannister had been of a loving mother, smiling at her, hugging her, singing to her. She did not recall mother ever being harsh.

Of course, this was all so long ago. They must not know that Aerys was mad yet. She looked down at her plate and thought of Sansa Stark, the little dove. She was a bad liar, one of the worst. But she never failed to recite the correct words when they asked her to. If the little dove could do it, so could Cersei.

But she would do it better. She would make everyone believe her. She just needed to figure out what they wanted to hear.

“I'm sorry, mother.” Cersei tried her best to sound sincere.

Joanna sighed, and looked annoyed. “That's better. There are things I want to discuss with you before we leave.”

Cersei looked at her mother again. Moon tea. She could recognize the smell now. And secret talks with her daughter before a big trip to King's Landing. What had she expected? Her mother was a Lannister by blood as well as by marriage.

“I'm sorry, mother.” Cersei said again. This time she meant it. “What do you want to talk to me about?”

“We are going to visit the court in King's Landing,” her mother began, still sounding annoyed. “I need you to be on your best behavior. No dressing up in your brother's clothes or running off unattended. You need to let the court see you as the perfect little lady.”

“Why?” Cersei asked, even though the thought she knew. Why did any mother worry about her young daughter acting lady-like? There must be some ideas about a potential marriage in her mother's head.

“You will be meeting Prince Rhaegar. I want him to see you at your best.”

Cersei smiled brightly. Prince Rhaegar! Let her mother scheme all she wanted to, it seemed they were thinking alike then.

“The king too. He will want to see you. You probably don't remember him, you were just a baby.”

Joanna set down her empty cup and and closed her eyes, one hand on her belly.

Cersei wished just as fervently that her mother would not find herself pregnant. Maybe if Tyrion was never born, if her mother didn't die, then the king would not have turned down the betrothal between her and Rhaegar. Maybe it had been her mother, not her father, who arranged it in the first place. Cersei could feel her hopes soar. Maybe he had been worried that she would not be able to provide an heir to the crown prince, since her mother had died in childbirth – and birthed a monster as well. That must have been it.

“The king sent us a gift of your weight in gold after you were born,” Joanna went on, remembering. “You and your brother. He wanted you both to come to court then, before your grandfather died.”

“I want him to make that offer again. I want you to grow up in King's Landing, near the prince. I'm afraid it won't happen if you act wild or willful. You have to be on your best behavior. Do you understand?”

Cersei nodded. She did understand now. She wouldn't have before, when she was really a child. She would have rebelled and disobeyed any time she thought she and Jaime could get away with something. This life was going to be so much better than the last one. There was just one thing bothering her.

“Do you think you will have another baby?” she asked her mother, trying to make big, innocent eyes.

Her mother glanced at the empty tea cup and shook her head.

“I gave your father two perfect children, that's enough, don't you think?”

Cersei smiled and nodded. It was more than enough. One too many, actually.

 


	4. Tourney at King's Landing

Cersei avoided her brother as much as possible on the road to King's Landing. He was slow to take the hint, but eventually began to avoid her as well, following around after his uncles instead, swinging his toy sword and bragging about all the people he would slay in single combat someday.

_What a child_. Cersei thought, rolling her eyes.

She felt the excitement build as they neared the capitol city. She expected to see Rhaegar for the first time during the tourney. Perhaps he would ride, and maybe even win. She could barely remember the tourney now, she had been so young when it had happened in her previous life.

Cersei looked down at herself, a small girl child. What could she do to capture the prince's eye she wondered? Perhaps there was nothing in this current child's body. Her father must have done something though. There was that time when they thought that she and Rhaegar would be betrothed. It was not so far off, a few years at most.

Someone must be thinking of the match even now.

They arrived at the tourney grounds mid-morning the day before the tourney was to begin. There were camps all around with colorful pavilions and banners flying everywhere. She noticed the banners of many great houses: the 3-headed dragon in red on black and black stags on gold, silver fish on red and blue, black bats, golden roses, green hands, both red and green apples, griffins, and lightning bolts. Soon the proud golden lions on red joined them, fluttering in the wind.

The next morning, when the tourney started, Cersei looked for familiar faces, but saw none in the lists. They were all children in the stands. The Baratheon brothers, Robert and Stannis were arguing. The red hair of the Tully sisters caught her eye, and Cersei thought again that the younger girl might be just what Jamie deserved. A very young Arthur Dayne spilled a drink on a dark-haired young woman who might be Elia Martell.

They were all so incredibly young. And not one of them seemed to realize what fate had in store for them all. Cersei felt older than she ever had in her previous life as she watched youngsters run by who she barely remembered because they had died in wars years past.

“Are you well, darling?” Joanna asked, looking at her daughter with concern.

“Well, enough, mother,” Cersei replied. “I didn't know there would be so many people here.” _Dead people_ , Cersei thought.

“I felt the same the first time I came to King's Landing.” Joanna squeezed her hand. “Why don't you take a little walk and get some fresh air?”

Cersei nodded and headed toward a table with refreshments. Before she got there, she caught some movement in the shadows under the stands.

There was a shadow with long silver hair. He was only a boy, 12 or 13, and he was sitting alone with his nose in a book.

“What are you reading?” Cersei asked as she approached.

He looked up at her with a mournful face. It reminded her of that bastard in Winterfell somehow. She could understand the melancholy in Lord Stark's bastard. He grew up watching his true born siblings get all the privileges he would never have, why would't he be sad and withdrawn, and even a little resentful. But Rhaegar was a prince, he should be happy and fierce. Instead he was hiding out with a book, something that her brother Tyrion might have done at that age.

“Septon Barth's Unnatural History,” the boy replied, immediately returning to his book.

Cersei did not intend to be dismissed that easily. He had not ordered her to leave, so she sat next to him instead. “Why are you reading instead of watching the tourney?” she asked.

Rhaegar looked up, slightly annoyed now, “I don't like the fighting. I prefer to read.”

Cersei caught some movement out of the corner of her eye. One of the kingsguard was nearby watching them from a discrete distance. The Rheagar she remembered had nearly won the tourney where their betrothal was supposed to be announced. Just a few years from now. How could this bookish boy be the same person?

“Do you know how to use a sword?” she asked him.

“My father makes me take lessons,” he replied, not even looking up from his book this time.

Cersei realized that she was not making a good impression on the prince by talking about the tourney or sword fighting. He was not what she expected. He did remind her to an uncomfortable degree of her yet-to-be conceived brother, Tyrion.

She never did like that twisted little monkey. But she suddenly wished she had paid more attention to him. He had probably read this same book at some point. Maybe he even talked about it. Books bored her as much as he disgusted her though, so she could not remember. But she did realize that she should talk to Rhaegar about whatever interested him if she wanted his attention, so she asked, “What kind of history is unnatural?”

Rhaegar looked up, his eyes lighter than she had yet to see them, and he looked at her for the first time, closing his book on a long, elegant finger.

“Natural history would be about kings, wars, politics and fighting mostly. Unnatural history is much more interesting. It's about dragons and giants, the children of the forest and wargs and greenseeers. Magic.”

“But all those things have been dead for hundreds or thousands of years. Some probably never existed at all,” observed Cersei, trying to sound more impressed than dismissive.

“Maybe,” replied Rhaegar. “They may be dead, or perhaps they are only sleeping. What if we could wake them up again?”

Cersei did no know what to think. She couldn't help but think that however beautiful he might be, and he was beautiful in a melancholy way, his mine was altogether too much like Tyrion for comfort.

“Would you wake them up if you could?” She asked, hoping he would say no. Hoping he would laugh at her and tell her his interest in magical things was all just a jest.

“Of course, wouldn't you?”

Cersei had to think about that. Some of the myths, like the children of the forest, seemed harmless, but dragons were dangerous beasts. Not bad if they were on your side, of course, but how could you be sure they would be? Tyrion had always been in love with dragons, but he was never on her side. Robert had hated them, of course, seeing them as merely a symbol of the Targayens.

“I don't know.” Cersei confessed, feeling confused by the prince who was so different than the one she thought she had known. “I would love to fly on a dragon, but I would not want to be attacked by one.”

Rhaegar laughed, a tantalizing silvery sound, and Cersei could see the kingsguard shift his attention in their direction. “Well spoken, my lady. May I ask who you are?”

“I'm Cersei Lanniser, daughter to the hand of the king.” Cersei was proud to report. He had asked about her. She had won this round, although she was not sure she wanted to win. This sad little boy who wanted to awaken dragons and other magical things was not the person she had expected to meet.

“I'm Rhaegar Targaryen, son of he king. It's nice to meet you.”

“And to meet you, your Grace.” Cersei replied politely. “I need to get back to my parents before they miss me.”

Cersei stood and walked off wondering if she even really knew anything about her prince at all. Or had she been just as foolish a little girl as that little dove of a Stark who thought she loved Joffery?

She passed by the refreshment table and picked up some fresh fruit then turned toward where she had been sitting with her mother, but her mother was not there. She looked around, trying to find her.

When she finally found her, Joanna Lannister was talking to the Mad King in a private corner behind one of the pavilions. He had his hand on a support behind her and was leaning in quite close.

Cersei's eyes when wide and her mouth dropped open. Her mother did not seem the least bit uncomfortable with the king's inappropriate behavior. In fact, she was smiling and placed her hand against his chest, looking up at him. Their mouths were close to touching.

And then they broke apart.

Cersei quickly stepped out of sight. She knew what it was like to sneak around with someone you loved when your husband was nearby. She and Jaime had done the same more than once.

But her mother and father had loved each other deeply. She had always known that. Her father had told her that.

Cersei peeked out and watched the Mad King staring after her mother. There was something in his eyes, love or lust, as he watched her retreat.

Cersei returned to the spot she left her mother slowly and found Joanna seated in the stands again.

“Do you feel better now?”

Cersei nodded, not sure what to say to her mother right then. She wanted to rage and accuse her of being unfaithful to father, but she was trapped in this child's body and who would believe a six-year-old even if she told what she saw. And then a vision of a the little Stark brat flashed in her head. _The things I do for love_.

He had loved her once. He had been stupid, but he had loved her.

When had he stopped loving her?

As the tourney continued over the next few days, she noticed her mother disappearing at the same time as the king. She would come back glowing and humming. Cersei was more and more convinced that something was going on.

She was so distracted by what her mother was doing that she barely noticed when Prince Rhaegar approached her and asked her opinion on some mythical creature or another. She could barely remember what he had asked, let alone what she had answered. Something polite, she hoped.

There was a feast after the tourney and the prince asked her to dance, even though she was just a child. She smiled and accepted, glad he was not talking about magical creatures for a change.

The dance was magical. He smiled at her, and she smiled back. It was too good to be true. And sure enough, their dance had barely begun when the shouting started.

The Mad King was talking about her mother's breasts so loud the whole room could hear, and her father looked like he was ready to spare Jaime the trouble of becoming the kingslayer.

Lord Tywin threw his badge of office at the king's feet and grabbed his wife and his daughter and stormed out of the ballroom, pulling them both along behind him. The next morning they were all on the road back to Casterly Rock: Cersei, Jaime, and their mother.

The king had refused to let her father resign as hand or leave King's Landing. In turn, Lord Tywin had demanded his wife and family return home as soon as possible. Cersei watched her mother on the trip home and saw tears in her eyes more than once. She wondered if they were tears for the king or for her father.

 


End file.
